I did a "Tribute" blog last June in dedication to my late grandfather, a concept which I happened to be very fond of (and other people liked too, I'm assuming for the subject matter as I poured everything I had in me to convey my feelings about the ordeal). Upon reflection, that was a really solid concept (much like my "Reflection" blogs which are uncommon but have clicked with others), one which, while I would never get in as much depth as I did the predecessor, could work out very well if I gave "Tribute" blogs to friends, other family, or even personal heroes and idols of mine.
That said, I'm going to start this today, in part because I owed somebody big time for leaving them out of my blog for such a long time after promising her she'd be in here. Not necessarily the best idea on my end, but I must admit, the timing was a bit awkward. I posted my first 2009 blog on January 26 to cover stuff like the Cubs Convention and all that, and by this point our relationship had taken an awkward turn due to some drastic unforseen events, causing us to seemingly only be speaking on a week-to-week basis by then. With that said, a slight mention in that blog wouldn't have killed me, so if you're reading this, this is my apology.
But let's get with the happy, shall we? In my usual "not use names" fashion, chances are I won't mention her name anywhere in here (it's a privacy thing, most people don't like to be that "public"), but she'll know who she is.
This whole thing may be one of the most "complex" close relationships I'd ever been a part of, honestly. We met in 1998, first grade, and at the time she may have damn well been the best friend a then-stupid-looking kid like me could've asked for (heh). Eventually, for myself at least, it translated to your cute, stupid "puppy love" kinda thing, since at the time I'd developed significant feelings for her. And they stuck around for a good couple years. It's safe to say it was the first point in my life where I ever maintained feelings like those, and I liked it.
Sadly, after those "good couple years," she moved, which hurt like hell because not only was I losing the person who had left that specific impact on me, but at the time I was also losing my best friend. So I really believed I had nowhere to turn at that point, and what was more depressing is I misplaced the number she gave me so I had no means of contacting her. It was pretty hard on me, at the time being only eight years old as it was.
It took five years before we even managed to speak again, sad as it was. I'll never forget, it was Spring 2005 and I had just bought ESPN MLB 2K5 for my XBOX, which I was playing in my parents' room (usually it's in my room, but my dad got a new Tom Clancy game so until he beat it, I was stuck in there). Suddenly I get a call, and lo-and-behold, the caller ID gives her last name. I really had no idea how to react, what to say, etc. So I didn't answer, and gave myself a day to sort myself out mentally.
When I finally got myself to do what I needed to do, I was very happy about it. We talked for a few hours and eventually would do that regularly for, if I'm not mistaken, a couple months. All the catching up we did, the changes in our personalities (and the similarities that stuck around for five years). We also regularly talked online, and it was always a relief when, at the time my grandfather and best friend was very, very ill, I could always look forward to coming home, onto my laptop, and talking to her.
What still hasn't come clear to me is, shortly after my grandfather passed, she just...left. I'm still not sure what happened, and have mentioned it to her in the past and frankly, I don't think she knows either. Just one of those things. So it was depressing, because she was helping me get through such a difficult time and wasn't there anymore.
And no doubt, part of why she was helping me so much is because those feelings from before stuck around, and a huge part of me wanted to continue expanding on that relationship to maybe turn it into something down the road.
That was Summer 2005. Fast-forward to January 2008 when someone adds my MySpace. I send the message asking who she was, just out of curiosity, when viola, I'm sure you can assume who it was (I had to ask because when we got back in touch in 2005, I still hadn't seen her, all we did was talk on the phone and AIM. So I didn't know what her modern appearance was). I remember one Saturday night we spent about four hours catching up on AIM, just like we did three years prior, and considering how greatly both of us had changed, it was like meeting a whole new person, yet maintaining the strong history that was developed. So it was interesting.
Part of me was so surprised to me someone with such similar interests as myself, which I found fascinating. We got to know each other more and kept in touch in moderation, certainly not as much as we had three years prior.
Then comes a day in January when we decided to catch up with each other after a couple months of not speaking (no reason, we were both so busy). She told me she had feelings for me via text. Uhh, whaaaa!? What she ended up saying to me that night was stuff I was too nervous to say myself for years! Not to mention, I wasn't going to anytime soon, as I believed she was still in a relationship while she apparently was not.
Naturally we tried to expand on this, and it was definitely one of the best feelings in the world for someone like me. It was eleven years of foundation, to a point where I always wanted it to go. And it was a spectacular week, getting nice texts and talking everyday almost non-stop. Sadly, circumstances arose, and it just...ended. I'm used to things not going my way, so I didn't take it too hard. But let's not underestimate that as me taking it well. My feelings that built up for so long had suddenly been dissolved, and it was a sad thought.
It's been two months since then. As crazy as it sounds, I attempted to just move on with other options, but I simply couldn't stop thinking about her. She's just such a tremendously special person to me and the fact that I had lost it so quickly really did end up hitting me hard. She may very well be the most special girl I've ever met, honestly. Though I got a very nice, refreshing call from her today, though I was out of my element because I was exhausted and she also told me something I wasn't expecting to hear, however, it made me a very happy guy.
And I still have significant feelings for her...
That's that. I felt it was deserving, and instead of giving only a sentence or a paragraph, I gave her the whole damn blog. I've always believed that, if I can't have her in a relationship, I still want her in my life. So when we go a month without speaking out of sheer lazyness on one end or stupid phobias on the other, it's not a good thing, because the thought of her is in constant rotation in my mind.
I've never gone into this much detail trying to make her feel as special as she possibly could but I feel it was deserving. I said I'd do it for her birthday, but I didn't want to wait that long. I already have some ideas as to some other things I'm going to do for her birthday anyway, which is in ten days.
So if you're reading this, there's your mention in my blog :D It ended up longer than even I had expected...
-Zach
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment