I did a "Tribute" blog last June in dedication to my late grandfather, a concept which I happened to be very fond of (and other people liked too, I'm assuming for the subject matter as I poured everything I had in me to convey my feelings about the ordeal). Upon reflection, that was a really solid concept (much like my "Reflection" blogs which are uncommon but have clicked with others), one which, while I would never get in as much depth as I did the predecessor, could work out very well if I gave "Tribute" blogs to friends, other family, or even personal heroes and idols of mine.
That said, I'm going to start this today, in part because I owed somebody big time for leaving them out of my blog for such a long time after promising her she'd be in here. Not necessarily the best idea on my end, but I must admit, the timing was a bit awkward. I posted my first 2009 blog on January 26 to cover stuff like the Cubs Convention and all that, and by this point our relationship had taken an awkward turn due to some drastic unforseen events, causing us to seemingly only be speaking on a week-to-week basis by then. With that said, a slight mention in that blog wouldn't have killed me, so if you're reading this, this is my apology.
But let's get with the happy, shall we? In my usual "not use names" fashion, chances are I won't mention her name anywhere in here (it's a privacy thing, most people don't like to be that "public"), but she'll know who she is.
This whole thing may be one of the most "complex" close relationships I'd ever been a part of, honestly. We met in 1998, first grade, and at the time she may have damn well been the best friend a then-stupid-looking kid like me could've asked for (heh). Eventually, for myself at least, it translated to your cute, stupid "puppy love" kinda thing, since at the time I'd developed significant feelings for her. And they stuck around for a good couple years. It's safe to say it was the first point in my life where I ever maintained feelings like those, and I liked it.
Sadly, after those "good couple years," she moved, which hurt like hell because not only was I losing the person who had left that specific impact on me, but at the time I was also losing my best friend. So I really believed I had nowhere to turn at that point, and what was more depressing is I misplaced the number she gave me so I had no means of contacting her. It was pretty hard on me, at the time being only eight years old as it was.
It took five years before we even managed to speak again, sad as it was. I'll never forget, it was Spring 2005 and I had just bought ESPN MLB 2K5 for my XBOX, which I was playing in my parents' room (usually it's in my room, but my dad got a new Tom Clancy game so until he beat it, I was stuck in there). Suddenly I get a call, and lo-and-behold, the caller ID gives her last name. I really had no idea how to react, what to say, etc. So I didn't answer, and gave myself a day to sort myself out mentally.
When I finally got myself to do what I needed to do, I was very happy about it. We talked for a few hours and eventually would do that regularly for, if I'm not mistaken, a couple months. All the catching up we did, the changes in our personalities (and the similarities that stuck around for five years). We also regularly talked online, and it was always a relief when, at the time my grandfather and best friend was very, very ill, I could always look forward to coming home, onto my laptop, and talking to her.
What still hasn't come clear to me is, shortly after my grandfather passed, she just...left. I'm still not sure what happened, and have mentioned it to her in the past and frankly, I don't think she knows either. Just one of those things. So it was depressing, because she was helping me get through such a difficult time and wasn't there anymore.
And no doubt, part of why she was helping me so much is because those feelings from before stuck around, and a huge part of me wanted to continue expanding on that relationship to maybe turn it into something down the road.
That was Summer 2005. Fast-forward to January 2008 when someone adds my MySpace. I send the message asking who she was, just out of curiosity, when viola, I'm sure you can assume who it was (I had to ask because when we got back in touch in 2005, I still hadn't seen her, all we did was talk on the phone and AIM. So I didn't know what her modern appearance was). I remember one Saturday night we spent about four hours catching up on AIM, just like we did three years prior, and considering how greatly both of us had changed, it was like meeting a whole new person, yet maintaining the strong history that was developed. So it was interesting.
Part of me was so surprised to me someone with such similar interests as myself, which I found fascinating. We got to know each other more and kept in touch in moderation, certainly not as much as we had three years prior.
Then comes a day in January when we decided to catch up with each other after a couple months of not speaking (no reason, we were both so busy). She told me she had feelings for me via text. Uhh, whaaaa!? What she ended up saying to me that night was stuff I was too nervous to say myself for years! Not to mention, I wasn't going to anytime soon, as I believed she was still in a relationship while she apparently was not.
Naturally we tried to expand on this, and it was definitely one of the best feelings in the world for someone like me. It was eleven years of foundation, to a point where I always wanted it to go. And it was a spectacular week, getting nice texts and talking everyday almost non-stop. Sadly, circumstances arose, and it just...ended. I'm used to things not going my way, so I didn't take it too hard. But let's not underestimate that as me taking it well. My feelings that built up for so long had suddenly been dissolved, and it was a sad thought.
It's been two months since then. As crazy as it sounds, I attempted to just move on with other options, but I simply couldn't stop thinking about her. She's just such a tremendously special person to me and the fact that I had lost it so quickly really did end up hitting me hard. She may very well be the most special girl I've ever met, honestly. Though I got a very nice, refreshing call from her today, though I was out of my element because I was exhausted and she also told me something I wasn't expecting to hear, however, it made me a very happy guy.
And I still have significant feelings for her...
That's that. I felt it was deserving, and instead of giving only a sentence or a paragraph, I gave her the whole damn blog. I've always believed that, if I can't have her in a relationship, I still want her in my life. So when we go a month without speaking out of sheer lazyness on one end or stupid phobias on the other, it's not a good thing, because the thought of her is in constant rotation in my mind.
I've never gone into this much detail trying to make her feel as special as she possibly could but I feel it was deserving. I said I'd do it for her birthday, but I didn't want to wait that long. I already have some ideas as to some other things I'm going to do for her birthday anyway, which is in ten days.
So if you're reading this, there's your mention in my blog :D It ended up longer than even I had expected...
-Zach
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
"My, How Far We've Come..." - March 12, 2009
Usually I'll quote a lyric of my thoughts for the blog title. That was actually the plan until today when I started to reflect on a lot of aspects on life, and realized just how far not only I, but everyone else around me, have gotten at this stage of our lives in comparison to one, two, or even four years ago.
Allow me to elaborate. Yesterday, I saw a magnificent friend of mine who I never get to see these days anymore. Neither of our faults, just never a convenient time for either of us. What's funny is just how much our relationship has changed, albeit it hasn't been for the better. I saw her twice yesterday, and I swear on my life I never hugged anyone as strongly as I did then (when you lose your balance, you KNOW it's pretty strong, hah). It was expressing my emotion of just how much I miss her, and clearly the feeling was mutual as she expressed the same thing. Since the first hug I gave her early yesterday morning, I seriously thought about her all day; not the way you're all thinking. I was thinking about how I'd still probably consider her one of the greatest, best friends to ever walk into my life, despite the distances between us these days.
What's funny is, two years ago to the date, I saw her everyday after school, locker right across the hall from mine, chances are if she wasn't staying after I'd walk out with her, give her a hug, and we'd be on our way. It was almost routine, and if one reflects, that period two to three years ago may have been the best period we ever had together. Only reason I say that is because part of me realized by that point what I was too stupid to realize before. I've known her for five years, and five years ago I'd have considered myself to be in love with her, despite the fact that the feeling wasn't mutual and that was very obvious. By the time I got over that, things vastly improved between us, and lately I've begun to think about just how much I took for granted with her in the past, since I hardly see her anymore.
She mentioned something to me yesterday, and I was intrigued. In that period four to five years ago when I had significant feelings for her. She mentioned a letter I sent her expressing my feelings in possibly the most romantic way I've ever done, with anybody. She told me she read it again and she cried, much like when I first sent it. I read it back and, poorly written as it was, it was beautiful, and definitely a positive reflection of the one time I EVER felt even remotely close to being with the first person I ever can actually say I loved. And part of me realized what a fool I was to chase the whole thing the way I did, but I've learned from that and frankly couldn't be happier with the way things ended up with her and I. Of course, if I could change how things are now, I would (as far as seeing her and such)...
This leads to other relationships. How the two other best friends I had here in Lockport two years ago and I are no longer on speaking terms, courtesy of one's own ridiculous pretention against me and another's childish insecurity about my affairs with certain people in his life. How I lost the person I'd fallen hardest for since the beginning of high school two years to yesterday, and how I'm now closer to her than I was seemingly then, just in a different way. How I've been able to maintain some friends from junior high and even from Midway and just how important a role they've played in my life the whole time. How two years to the day I got my Genesis tickets, starting what ended up being the greatest concert year of my life. How four years ago I had been so disgusted with the Cubs organization my grandfather and I could hardly watch a game anymore, then two years ago how a few smart free agent moves (not often I get to say that!) generated interest, and how today I seriously cannot remember ever being this excited for the start of the season. How two years ago my relationship with my dad seemed beyond repair, and how these days it's become much better, despite the occasional squabbles (See that? I used the word squabble in one of my blogs!). Sometimes I think we all take these things for granted, but to preach what another "acquaintance," if you will, said yesterday, sometimes you have to give them some thought in order to totally appreciate exactly what you have.
So clearly, a lot has been on my mind, but unlike most times I've been very thankful for what I've been able to hold onto lately, or for that matter, been able to get back in different variations. It's these little things that have kept me going of late, since life for the longest time until the past few weeks had been at a stand-still. It's been a month and a half since I did a life update, and this may have been the best damn interlude I've done in recent memory, so let's get to the goings-on, shall we?
February was a bore. Really, I can't think of anything substantial that happened that month. All I can recall is two four-day weekends, being sick for both of them (one being the worst damn sickness I've experienced in years, more on that later). Spring Training for baseball began, which is always a good thing because I've seriously been going insane without my baseball. Let's not forget I am a Cubs fan and still need validation after last year's miserable collapse, just one step closer to that happening! Also got Cubs tickets! June 19 vs. Cleveland and July 7 vs. Atlanta, so keep an eye out for me on TV, y'hear? Managed to get some Brewers tickets for June 28 as well up in Milwaukee at the end of the month, so slowly but surely, my summer planning had already begun.
At the end of February, in our big four-day weekend leading up to March, I couldn't believe how sick I had become. Splitting headache, like my head was run over by multiple semi-trucks, asthma cough, congestion, soreness all over, chills and then unusual spurts of unbearable warmth. I was sick that entire weekend, which really sucked (to put it bluntly) because I did have some plans for that weekend. The good news is, I felt like I was going to die, and luckily I'm here, posting this blog for my legions of loyal readers to enjoy.
March so far has been excellent. Baseball games are now being televised, I'm getting tons of concert tickets (paid to get a bite at U2 pre-sale tickets, seeing Paramore and No Doubt, Cruefest if I can score something cheap, likely going to Summerfest twice, waiting for Chickenfoot and AC/DC to announce their respective tours). My summer from June 19 up until July 22 is booked, with days open here and there, but for the most part I'm packed, and I couldn't be happier, because unlike the last month and a half, I actually have something to look forward to. Among other things this month, the World Baseball Classic has been fascinating, unlike in 2006, and the Blackhawks are still making an aggressive push to the postseason. School's also been outstanding, had an awful start to third quarter but the way my grades look, I can still hold on to the "honor roll" title and keep my GPA at a 3.2, which always makes life so much easier, especially with fourth quarter being such a cakewalk.
I haven't updated on my love life recently, essentially because there's nothing to report. What else is new? I made an attempt with one person but it felt like a one-way street and I was the only one driving down it. To be fair, being old-fashioned I expect myself to take control of stuff like this, but part of me seemed like I was chasing something rather unnecessary way too strongly, and for me, it doesn't work like that. I like when a foundation is put in place and I'm not the only one making an effort to work something out. Which leads me to my next point: I just need to meet new chicks, to once again, put something bluntly. I've pushed very hard with certain ones in the past to little or no avail, and I need to move on, problem is I can't find anyone I can legitimately move on towards. Sure there are people I'd like to meet or get to know better, but those are things I can't really see panning out anyway. So, "love" is also at a stand-still, sadly. I don't fret over it as much anymore, just waiting for something to come along...
So, what's in store for the coming days? Spring break is on the horizon, and I have no plans! I do expect that to change, however, I seriously doubt that I'll spend the entire time at home. Baseball season starts on April 6 and naturally I'm very excited about that. Cruefest and U2 tickets go on sale very soon, with Chickenfoot probably announcing their tour shortly. March Madness starts next week. With Spring on the horizon, a lot more tends to happen, and I couldn't be more excited with summer slowly (yet rapidly, figure that enigma out) approaching. S'gonna be a fun ride, and as always, I'll have updates along the way.
Peace!
-Zach
Allow me to elaborate. Yesterday, I saw a magnificent friend of mine who I never get to see these days anymore. Neither of our faults, just never a convenient time for either of us. What's funny is just how much our relationship has changed, albeit it hasn't been for the better. I saw her twice yesterday, and I swear on my life I never hugged anyone as strongly as I did then (when you lose your balance, you KNOW it's pretty strong, hah). It was expressing my emotion of just how much I miss her, and clearly the feeling was mutual as she expressed the same thing. Since the first hug I gave her early yesterday morning, I seriously thought about her all day; not the way you're all thinking. I was thinking about how I'd still probably consider her one of the greatest, best friends to ever walk into my life, despite the distances between us these days.
What's funny is, two years ago to the date, I saw her everyday after school, locker right across the hall from mine, chances are if she wasn't staying after I'd walk out with her, give her a hug, and we'd be on our way. It was almost routine, and if one reflects, that period two to three years ago may have been the best period we ever had together. Only reason I say that is because part of me realized by that point what I was too stupid to realize before. I've known her for five years, and five years ago I'd have considered myself to be in love with her, despite the fact that the feeling wasn't mutual and that was very obvious. By the time I got over that, things vastly improved between us, and lately I've begun to think about just how much I took for granted with her in the past, since I hardly see her anymore.
She mentioned something to me yesterday, and I was intrigued. In that period four to five years ago when I had significant feelings for her. She mentioned a letter I sent her expressing my feelings in possibly the most romantic way I've ever done, with anybody. She told me she read it again and she cried, much like when I first sent it. I read it back and, poorly written as it was, it was beautiful, and definitely a positive reflection of the one time I EVER felt even remotely close to being with the first person I ever can actually say I loved. And part of me realized what a fool I was to chase the whole thing the way I did, but I've learned from that and frankly couldn't be happier with the way things ended up with her and I. Of course, if I could change how things are now, I would (as far as seeing her and such)...
This leads to other relationships. How the two other best friends I had here in Lockport two years ago and I are no longer on speaking terms, courtesy of one's own ridiculous pretention against me and another's childish insecurity about my affairs with certain people in his life. How I lost the person I'd fallen hardest for since the beginning of high school two years to yesterday, and how I'm now closer to her than I was seemingly then, just in a different way. How I've been able to maintain some friends from junior high and even from Midway and just how important a role they've played in my life the whole time. How two years to the day I got my Genesis tickets, starting what ended up being the greatest concert year of my life. How four years ago I had been so disgusted with the Cubs organization my grandfather and I could hardly watch a game anymore, then two years ago how a few smart free agent moves (not often I get to say that!) generated interest, and how today I seriously cannot remember ever being this excited for the start of the season. How two years ago my relationship with my dad seemed beyond repair, and how these days it's become much better, despite the occasional squabbles (See that? I used the word squabble in one of my blogs!). Sometimes I think we all take these things for granted, but to preach what another "acquaintance," if you will, said yesterday, sometimes you have to give them some thought in order to totally appreciate exactly what you have.
So clearly, a lot has been on my mind, but unlike most times I've been very thankful for what I've been able to hold onto lately, or for that matter, been able to get back in different variations. It's these little things that have kept me going of late, since life for the longest time until the past few weeks had been at a stand-still. It's been a month and a half since I did a life update, and this may have been the best damn interlude I've done in recent memory, so let's get to the goings-on, shall we?
February was a bore. Really, I can't think of anything substantial that happened that month. All I can recall is two four-day weekends, being sick for both of them (one being the worst damn sickness I've experienced in years, more on that later). Spring Training for baseball began, which is always a good thing because I've seriously been going insane without my baseball. Let's not forget I am a Cubs fan and still need validation after last year's miserable collapse, just one step closer to that happening! Also got Cubs tickets! June 19 vs. Cleveland and July 7 vs. Atlanta, so keep an eye out for me on TV, y'hear? Managed to get some Brewers tickets for June 28 as well up in Milwaukee at the end of the month, so slowly but surely, my summer planning had already begun.
At the end of February, in our big four-day weekend leading up to March, I couldn't believe how sick I had become. Splitting headache, like my head was run over by multiple semi-trucks, asthma cough, congestion, soreness all over, chills and then unusual spurts of unbearable warmth. I was sick that entire weekend, which really sucked (to put it bluntly) because I did have some plans for that weekend. The good news is, I felt like I was going to die, and luckily I'm here, posting this blog for my legions of loyal readers to enjoy
March so far has been excellent. Baseball games are now being televised, I'm getting tons of concert tickets (paid to get a bite at U2 pre-sale tickets, seeing Paramore and No Doubt, Cruefest if I can score something cheap, likely going to Summerfest twice, waiting for Chickenfoot and AC/DC to announce their respective tours). My summer from June 19 up until July 22 is booked, with days open here and there, but for the most part I'm packed, and I couldn't be happier, because unlike the last month and a half, I actually have something to look forward to. Among other things this month, the World Baseball Classic has been fascinating, unlike in 2006, and the Blackhawks are still making an aggressive push to the postseason. School's also been outstanding, had an awful start to third quarter but the way my grades look, I can still hold on to the "honor roll" title and keep my GPA at a 3.2, which always makes life so much easier, especially with fourth quarter being such a cakewalk.
I haven't updated on my love life recently, essentially because there's nothing to report. What else is new? I made an attempt with one person but it felt like a one-way street and I was the only one driving down it. To be fair, being old-fashioned I expect myself to take control of stuff like this, but part of me seemed like I was chasing something rather unnecessary way too strongly, and for me, it doesn't work like that. I like when a foundation is put in place and I'm not the only one making an effort to work something out. Which leads me to my next point: I just need to meet new chicks, to once again, put something bluntly. I've pushed very hard with certain ones in the past to little or no avail, and I need to move on, problem is I can't find anyone I can legitimately move on towards. Sure there are people I'd like to meet or get to know better, but those are things I can't really see panning out anyway. So, "love" is also at a stand-still, sadly. I don't fret over it as much anymore, just waiting for something to come along...
So, what's in store for the coming days? Spring break is on the horizon, and I have no plans! I do expect that to change, however, I seriously doubt that I'll spend the entire time at home. Baseball season starts on April 6 and naturally I'm very excited about that. Cruefest and U2 tickets go on sale very soon, with Chickenfoot probably announcing their tour shortly. March Madness starts next week. With Spring on the horizon, a lot more tends to happen, and I couldn't be more excited with summer slowly (yet rapidly, figure that enigma out) approaching. S'gonna be a fun ride, and as always, I'll have updates along the way.
Peace!
-Zach
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