To Eleven People Who Keep Me Going (Literally)... - August 23, 2009

Recently enough in life I've had a couple revelations. For one, it's really difficult for me to trust some people worth a damn anymore. Second of all, I've come to the realization that sometimes, a few "close" friends of mine expect them to be the epi-center of my universe, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

The latter realization has been a real issue for me lately (and if I tagged you, none of this pertains to you), to the point where I have really been stressing things on an everyday basis. At the same time I think to myself, "why should I even bother with people who are obviously either just using me for rides, or rely on me for way too much for their own good?" It's become really bothersome, because I have friends in other places who want to do things with me and see me too, and I'm not going to neglect them because certain people are paranoid about me doing quite frankly something I've always done. It ain't right.

I'm flattered that you want to see me so badly, but I need breathing room. And if you're going to be pissy over the fact that I have other people I want to do things with (some of whom I've been friends with upwards of ten years), maybe you should just give up on me. Because I can't continue to bend over backwards and give the satisfaction when you're probably bullshitting me any chance you get. It's not worth my time or your's. Considering the certain people I have in my life, you haven't been around nearly as long to be worth it for me.

What's the purpose of this rant?

Because these recent negative events, where "friends" who consistently question the merit of what I'm telling them (the honest to God truth, mind you) and over the past two weeks have done nothing but bitch to my face about never seeing them and continue to take personal shots at certain interests of mine, have sparked another realization: The friends who've always been there for me are probably the greatest people in the world to me.

Anyone who I tagged in this note deserves to be here. These past two weeks have really opened my eyes as to why I value certain people so tremendously, and have always tried keeping them around at any cost, at any life changing turn, and at any obstacle that either I tried helping them overcome, or vice versa. There's really no other way to show my appreciation than by doing what I do best: write about it. And considering a recent battle with a return of my anxiety, on-and-off friendships, "friends" consistently giving me a hard time, and stresses at home, I felt this was necessary, because as much as you were unaware of it, I needed you guys. And you all were there.

These people have been with me through a lot of things, whether it be my first major move, the loss of my grandfather, the family issues I've had, the relationship difficulties that have always been there, etc. One by one, I want to individually thank all of you, in my own special and personal way, ways I probably could never do in person because I'd ramble on and not make much sense, hah.

First of course there's Dale, who's been my best friend over the past thirteen years. I feel gifted over the fact that I've been able to keep you around that long, because I see so many people who can't brag of a friendship lasting even half as long. I can't think of anyone else I could make a list of 200 inside jokes with, talk about baseball and go to concerts with, spend weekends with, and not get tired of, haha. You're like the brother I've never had, and I hope things stay that way for a long time. Thanks for being there for the late night convos, playing baseball franchises that never last past a week, among other things.

Second, naturally, is Sean. You and Dale are the upper etchelon of people in my life and have been for about as long as he's been there. I've known you for only a year less than I have Dale, but we've had a lot of good times, from playing Kobe Bryant's NBA Courtside and All Star Baseball 2000 in your basement when we were in second grade to...well, still doing that now, hah. Never in my life do I have more stimulating sports convos and honestly, we need to catch more sporting events on a regular basis. Hawks game in November? You're also like a brother to me, and I really appreciate it.

Third would be Katie. Possibly the most interesting relationship I've had with anyone in my life, which may explain why I consider you the best friend of the opposite gender I've ever had. I remember meeting you eleven years ago and we just hit it off really well, and then at the end of second grade you moved, which was devastating. In seventh grade we got back in touch, stopped talking, then again Sophomore year and haven't looked back. Since then, you've been there through everything, as I have for you. You have no idea how proud I am that we've found an identity in our friendship, and I couldn't be happier with how things are. Thank you.

Fourth, Laura. Considering how long I've known the above three (thirteen, twelve, eleven years, respectively), you're out of place, but that doesn't diminish your impact. Funny how I thought you didn't like me when I met you, but ever since we had that conversation on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" as we both took a sick day Sophomore year, seems like we haven't stopped, hah. Next to Dale, you and I probably have more inside jokes than anyone else, and you've become the best thing to ever happen to me in Lockport. Seriously. Which explains why I get so bent about hanging, because there's really nobody I'd rather spend time with out here. We have to pick a day to do lunch after school every week. Or else ;)

Fifth would be Brian. We go back kind of a long ways, first on a musical basis, now more than anything on a Cubs/Hawks/Bears basis. I first got to know you Freshman year, then everyday Sophomore year (your Senior year) we talked about the Cubs, Hawks, or Bears everyday between fourth and fifth period. It's a shame you're off at college because I never see you anymore, but hopefully that changes when you transfer, because we always have a good time watching Cubs games and just kickin' back. I miss you 'round these parts and look forward to your return. You're like an older brother to me, and anticipate more college advice when I start next fall.

Sixth, Roberta. There's no way I could forget you in this whole thing. We don't see each other much anymore outside of school, and don't talk nearly as much either, but I always remember you as the first best friend I had outside of Chicago, and seeing you the past few days and how happy you've been to see me has really helped through some things. I miss you more than you could ever imagine, because I'd still consider you one of the best friends I've ever had. Those times we spent in seventh and eighth grade are some of the best memories of my life and I miss those days. We should do something soon, just for the nostalgia of it.

Seventh is Marcella. I never see you, but you're the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. I remember I sent you an IM in December of Freshman year out of sheer curiosity because I'd heard so much about you, and since then we really hit it off. It's a shame you live all the way out there because if you didn't we'd probably do things on a much more regular basis. We've been through everything together and I'm glad you trust me with as much as you do, because I trust you with about the same. Love you, buddy.

Eighth would be Zach and Mitch. Is it strange that I'm posting message board friends on a personal note? I'd hope not, because I personally believe any kind of relationship can transcend beyond knowing someone in person, as long as you keep in touch and can maintain that person's interest. These two are the only two guys I can think of who, since I've started using message boards in 2005, have been through a lot of personal hardship as I have for them. Zach's been there through the relationships, and Mitch through the anxiety. Plus, we just have a fucking good time talking on a regular basis. One day we'll have a get together, jam, and just chill. You guys have been great to me and deserved a shout. I only post on one message board these days, and it's the one you guys post on. Go figure!


Ninth, Nikki. Maybe it's unorthodox that I'm putting you in here but I think my reasons are legit. I've known you since...eighth grade, I think. Since then, it seems like any problem that comes across you or myself, we've gone to each other for in a flash. When you said on one of those ridiculous picture-tag things, where I know more about you than anyone else, it really made me think about that. You really have helped me through a TON of stuff, as I hope to have with you, and through this whole time we've never really hit a snag or conflict. A good four and a half years, probably, and it was nice hanging out with you for the first time in awhile on Friday. You have no idea how much I appreciate your help with things.

Tenth would have to be Ray. I think of the above people I've known you the shortest (met at the Rush show Sophomore year, September) at about two years, but you've always been a good guy and have given me a shit-ton of excellent advice when I've been down. Eventually, ParthenoGenesis will take off and we'll be chillin' a lot more, and I hope if you do the radio gig this year you use me as a "guest" every week. You've been a good friend to me and I'm glad you've stuck around.

Eleventh, but certainly not last, Lauren. Another person I go back to Taft with who I could maintain a steady conversation for a few hours with on a seemingly regular basis, which is hilarious because like I always say, I thought you hated me way back then. But we've been able to talk about a lot of things, mostly relationship hassles, and stay close to each other this long. You always suggest how I'm your best friend (whenever I threaten to kick assface's, well...ass) and I always appreciate that. So thank you.

Like I said earlier, I needed the eleven (or twelve, I cheated) of you in order to help get me through personal issues over the last couple months. And you guys did your part, be it direct or indirect, and I couldn't be happier at the fact that I have so many people who both respect me so much, and I have an undying respect for. I've been able to keep you guys around longer than anyone else in my life, and I have for various reasons. I'll always do what I can to keep you all with me, even though with some I know I don't have to, though I still try.

People like to think I have an ego, that I think way too much of myself. It couldn't be farther from the truth, I really don't think much of myself. I really don't think I'm that great of a guy. But you guys will be there for that occasional ego boost or self-esteem riser that I need every now and then, and it's always appreciated. I feel respected around you guys, appreciated. Something I don't feel from the "friends" I mentioned at the beginning.

So this was a necessary indulgence, because now more than ever I've felt the need to let everyone know how much I appreciate and respect them. With some, it's been long overdue. With others, they hear it on a regular basis and probably won't even read it. I consider myself the luckiest guy on the world to be surrounded by people like yourselves, and hope to keep you all around for a very long time. Because frankly, I don't know where I'd be without even one of you.

In a simple rhyme: Thank you :)

-Zach